Why it's time to stop believing in the myth of your soul mate

Surely you are familiar with the idea of the existence of second halves. Or perhaps you yourself believe that somewhere in the world there is a person destined for you. Many books and films are based on this romantic concept. It also underlies various TV shows and dating apps where people are looking for a mate.

However, the myth of the second half is not just a beautiful and harmless fairy tale. And if you take it seriously, it can hurt your relationship.

Where did the myth of halves come from?

Apparently, we owe the emergence of the idea of kindred souls to the ancient Greeks. In his Dialogues, Plato quotes the poet Aristophanes, who tells the story of the four-armed and four-legged people of the past, split in two by an envious Zeus.

Therefore, instead of full-fledged creatures, restless halves now walk on the ground, yearning for their second part.

The same idea is reflected in many fairy tales - for example, where princes and queens travel to distant lands and defeat monsters in order to marry that very beautiful princess. Or in popular beliefs - let us recall at least fortune-telling, during which unmarried girls try to find out the name of their betrothed or see his face.

It would seem that these are just fairy tales and now no one takes them seriously. However, the survey showed that two-thirds of Americans are convinced that their half is walking somewhere on the ground. In Russia, such polls have not been conducted, but taking into account the fact that about 30% of people in our country believe in sorcerers and predictions, the picture is likely to be similar.

What does belief in this myth lead to?

1. We're missing out on interesting people

The legend of the halves tells us that we will recognize our person immediately and will definitely feel: everything, the search is over, the missing part has been found. And if deafening love at first sight did not happen, then this is not the right person.

And you need to quickly break off the relationship that has just begun and continue the search.

Psychologists have found that those who believe in fate love more than others to disappear from a relationship without saying goodbye. They forget that the notorious love at first sight is not so obligatory for strong couples, and sometimes feelings do not wake up right away. Although this, of course, does not apply to a situation when a person is frankly unpleasant to you, there is nothing you can do about it.

2. We suffer from illusions

The halves complement each other perfectly, understand each other perfectly and never quarrel. They don't have relationship crises, and they don't get tired of each other. The passion between them, of course, never fades away, and their sex is enchanting. And if everything is not so magical, it means that these are not halves and this is not love at all.

Following this logic, people do not voice their emotions and discontent, believing that the partner should somehow feel the same as they do and read their thoughts. They believe that conflicts are always an alarming sign and almost a reason for a break. Like sex, unlike movie bed scenes.

Although all these difficulties are part of any real, non-fictional relationship.

It is quite possible to settle them - if we speak openly about problems, look for a solution together and not be isolated in our illusions and grievances.

3. We risk being left alone

Hopeless romantics forget that meeting a soul mate is not easy. Mathematician Peter Backus and physicist Randall Munroe independently decided to calculate what are the chances of finding that one and only half. Backus found that of the four million women living in London, no more than 26 can apply for the role of his betrothed.

Munroe also came to sad conclusions: even if you wander the streets all day in search of a soul mate, the probability of meeting her is approximately 1 in 10,000. And this is according to the most optimistic estimates.

Agree, the forecasts are disappointing.

What is really worth believing

In 2003, psychologist Raymond Nee analyzed how worldview affects romantic relationships. And he identified two main attitudes: belief in destiny and belief in development. Those who adhere to the first believe that almost nothing depends on a person. So, you can just fold your hands and wait for life to settle by itself.

Those who are focused on development, on the contrary, are convinced that they themselves create their own destiny and their relationships.

Needless to say, belief in predestination ultimately leads to relationship problems and dissatisfaction with life. And vice versa: people with a developmental mindset in relations with others behave more responsibly and show a greater willingness to deal with difficulties, rather than wait for the weather by the sea.

We do not find a mythical soul mate - we build a relationship with a living person. And in order not to torment ourselves and others, we must understand from the very beginning: these relationships require mutual work. It is with this approach that we still have a chance to become two halves.