"It broke by itself": how to behave with infantile people

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2024-01-13 00:26

It seems that some have just forgotten to grow up.

This article is part of the Auto-da-fe project. In it, we declare war on everything that prevents people from living and becoming better: breaking laws, believing in nonsense, deceit and fraud. If you've come across a similar experience, share your stories in the comments.

A long time ago, when I worked in the office, we, as in all decent companies, had our own IT specialist. His name was Vasya. On the phone, he always wearily answered on exhalation: "IT department …"

- Vasya, good morning! Here our printer behaves somehow strangely … I didn’t do anything like that, but it just stopped working.

“It was kind until you called.

Vasya could be understood. Every day he had to patiently fix something that “broke by itself”: rescue a keyboard filled with coffee, restart the computer (because “I don’t know where this button is”), pull out sheets of paper clips from the depths of the copier (“Oh, I have them there did not put "). For incredible reasons, college-educated adults felt utterly helpless in the face of the "rebellion" of office machines. Only Vasya was always involved in the consequences of the liquidation of the disaster.

And although this is a trivial example, I remember it every time I have to deal with infantile people - those who demonstrate helplessness and happily shove responsibility for their mistakes onto others, circumstances, magnetic storms and rising oil prices.

What is infantilism

In life, a person's “I” manifests itself in three internal states: Child, Parent and Adult. When the Parent dominates, we tend to criticize ourselves unnecessarily, to take on increased responsibility. When the Adult dominates, we are able to analyze the situation and look for constructive ways to solve the problem, relying only on ourselves. When a Child guides us, we avoid responsibility, seek protection and demand the fulfillment of our "wants" by any means. If the domination of the inner Child is not temporary, but permanent, we can talk about infantilism.

It is important to distinguish infantilism from naivety, although at first glance they have much in common.

Naivety is “I can do everything”: “I don’t want to know anything about the imperfection of the world and I will behave as if it doesn’t exist.”

Infantilism is “I don’t want to, even if I can”: “I am afraid of the imperfection of the world, and I prefer to hide from it behind someone’s back”.

How to recognize an infantile person

The behavior of such people is very similar to that of a child. They are usually:

• They do not know how, and often do not want to make decisions. They care about their own comfort and refer to "tired", "hard for me", "I was not taught", "why should I". They seem to be simply shifting responsibility for their lives onto others. But this is not at all the case. Infantile people are skilled manipulators. They will never act to their detriment, but will find hundreds of ways to do what they need, but with the wrong hands.
• Obsessed with yourself. People around them are often seen as a tool for satisfying their needs. They are convinced that the world should revolve around them. And any difficulties in relations with people are interpreted as "they do not understand me."
• Live for pleasurefulfilling your desires right now and not thinking about the future. For infantile people, life is a big game. They are focused on entertainment, live for one day and often have a childish "magical thinking": it seems to them that as soon as they want, everything will happen by itself, without effort on their part.
• They fit comfortably around the neck. This is not necessarily a life at the expense of others, but rather a reluctance to serve oneself, to solve everyday problems. At critical moments, they are always next to those who will come to the rescue and save: friends, parents, spouse.
• Not able to learn from their own mistakes. They are not characterized by the questions “Who am I?”, “Where am I going?”, “What is my life path?”. The events of their lives are not connected by logic - this is usually characteristic of children. They do not analyze the reasons and have difficulty predicting the consequences of their own actions.
• They don't see the problem in themselves. They rarely turn to a psychologist with a request to "change themselves." If they come for help, then most often with a request to influence others, to advise how to manage others.

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Because of what infantilism appears

The reasons for this behavior and perception of the world should always be sought at an early age. If you go back to the childhood of an infantile person, you can see that the peculiarity of disclaiming responsibility and shifting the blame onto others is associated with parental messages.

Parental messages are not only phrases that a child hears. They include things that adults do not consciously teach, while leading children to certain conclusions and behaviors. Parental messages were analyzed in detail by American psychotherapists Bob and Mary Goulding (followers of Eric Byrne, leading representatives of the direction of transactional analysis) in the book "Psychotherapy of a new solution".

Don't grow up

• "Adults know what's best."
• "You are still too young to …"
• "You will still have time to grow up."
• "When I was your age, I still played with dolls."

Such messages are conveyed by parents who are terrified of growing up children. The independence of the child can be associated with the fear of aging, their own uselessness, the loss of the meaning of life.

Trying to help children in everything, to make their life easier, to protect them from adversity, parents literally paralyze their independence, tying them to themselves. A child at an unconscious level learns: "I cannot be so independent as to leave mom and dad," "I am not able to do everything myself, I can’t cope."

As adults, such people are always looking for an authoritative "parent figure" to rely on. It can be a real mom and dad, and a boss, colleague, friend, spouse.

Do not think

• "Stop being smart."
• "It's none of your mind."
• "Your business is to obey."

These messages are assimilated like this: "This is not my business, let others think and decide." Loving parents, trying to distract children from everyday worries and difficulties, in fact deprive him of the opportunity to engage in the creation of his own reality, set goals and make decisions. The child obediently believes that any problems are the business of adults, and his task is to have fun and play.

As they get older, such people feel confused when faced with difficulties, they have doubts about the correctness of their decisions. They are happy to call on the help of others when it is necessary to do even the most banal operation: transfer a payment through a terminal, send a video in a messenger, or turn on the dishwasher.

Don't do it

• "Give it to me, I'll do it faster."
• "Do not bother me to clean (cook, repair, and so on)."
• “Don't sit down to homework yourself. I'll come home from work and do it with me."

The meaning of the message is as follows: it is dangerous to do it yourself, it is better if someone else does it for you. Parents deprive the child of the right to explore the world and get the necessary experience.

Growing up, people brought up in this way try to shift any business onto the shoulders of another. If suddenly they do something themselves and are mistaken, everyone around is to blame, but not they.

Don't be a child

• "What are you so little!"
• "When will you finally grow up ?!"
• "Stop fooling around."
• "It's time to start doing everything yourself."

Usually, children who receive such messages, on the contrary, grow up to be hyperresponsible. They are forced to grow up early. And not always from great parental love. These can be children of people with alcohol addiction. Or those who have many younger brothers and sisters, who grew up in a family where parents are constantly busy with their own affairs or are seriously ill. Then the child is assigned a responsibility beyond his or her age and capabilities.

But there is also a paradoxical variant: having “gorged” on responsibility at an early age, an adult seeks to shift it onto others, to make those around him his loving and caring parents. He seems to fall into childhood and, like a soccer ball, throws away any obligations from himself.

Don't be a leader

• "Keep your head down."
• "What do you want most of all?"
• "Your hut is on the edge."
• "It's not up to you to decide."

A person who regularly received such messages in childhood grows up with the confidence that it is necessary to evade responsibility by any means. This message blocks the path to the disclosure of their abilities in any situation. To be an adult for such a person automatically means "putting yourself in danger."

Age of Kidalts

Before our eyes, a new phenomenon of our time is forming and developing - the generation of kidalts. Kidult is an "adult child" (from the English kid - "child" and adult - "adult"), a person who, due to his hobbies, lingers for a long time, if not in childhood, then in his youth. At the age of 30–40, he goes on raids in online games, learns musical instruments, learns to skateboard, watches cartoons, uses youth slang, and so on. These people carefully monitor their diet, physical form, appearance in order to look young for as long as possible.

Kidalts are often compared to the fabulous Peter Pan, the eternal child. And they should not be confused with infantile people.

Infantile people find it difficult to achieve something in life. Their choice is to sit out in a cozy place in soft pajamas, hide behind someone's back, drinking cocoa with marshmallows.

Kidalts are by no means irresponsible and certainly not naive. They are picky about obligations and know well when they are ready to take on the burden of worries, and when it is better to pass by and live for their own pleasure. Often these are people who started working early, achieved noticeable success and, having gained financial independence and the opportunity to “do what I want,” get what they did not manage in childhood.

How to communicate with infantile people

To turn an infantile person into a full-fledged adult, you have to be patient. In fact, you have to do what his parents did not do at one time - to provide a field for independent experiments and decision-making. Usually this is the work of a psychotherapist, but since infantile people, as I said, rarely want to change something in themselves, those who have to communicate with them every day will have to sweat.

Remember that the relationship of even two people forms an interconnected system. If one of the pair is a hyperfunctional, who is always ready to help, solve, save, clean, cook, educate, work, then the second gets the role of a hypofunctional. He doesn't have to do anything, the other will do everything for him. It happens that unconsciously, wanting to realize our life scenario, we choose such people as friends or partners. We feel ourselves next to them, omnipotent, omnipotent, necessary. But it also happens that the neighborhood with an infantile person is forced, and we do not experience any joy from him, but only irritation.

In this case, the most effective way is to pretend to be hypofunctional, incapable of decision-making and responsibility.

• To the question "There is such a problem, what should I do?" the answer should follow: "What would you do yourself?", "What do you think is the best way to act?"
• "I am not guilty, they gave me the wrong information." - “And if you didn’t have any information, what decision would you make yourself?”
• “I overslept. Why didn't you wake me up ?! " - "I would wake up in time myself, you want too much from me."
• “Could you lend me money? I went to the mall and didn't notice how I wasted everything. " - "No, I can't, I have everything planned."

Be prepared for the fact that an infantile person will be angry with you, take offense, reproach you for callousness and injustice. She will probably even stop communicating with you - which, perhaps, is for the best (unless, of course, you do not like being with someone's nanny).

Better not to get involved in this reeducation game at all. The desire to make the whole world "kinder and greener" also does not lead to good. Learn from kidals to be picky about responsibility and instead of wasting time and energy on solving the problems of a healthy 40-year-old uncle, go home and play the console. Or what's your plan? Blanks for the winter? Cherry jam is very good for tea on cold January evenings.