How to understand that a person is holding you on an emotional leash and get away from him

What is destructive attachment

In a couple, attachment arises inevitably, and this is normal: people feel sympathy and are drawn to each other. Relationships make us happy, and separation from a partner makes us sad.

But it happens that attachment goes beyond the boundaries of the norm and becomes destructive.

Kristina Kostikova psychologist

This happens when one of the partners begins to lose his personality, to see the life guide only in his beloved. He may feel bad in a relationship, but he cannot leave them. When attachment is destructive, a person becomes emotionally dependent on their partner.

How this attachment is formed

Emotional swing

A classic manipulative technique, the effect of which can be truly devastating. It is present in the narcissist toolbox. It was borrowed from them by the pick-up artists in the form of the "approach - distance" technique. But it is possible to roll the victim on an emotional swing unconsciously. People are complex creatures, and while one simply cannot decide on feelings, the other falls into complete dependence on him.

The essence of the technique is the alternation of a good attitude and alienation. For example, today a person agrees to meet you, expresses his affection in every possible way, hints at a possible continuation, and you feel that you have met a soul mate. Tomorrow it blocks you in all messengers and disappears for two weeks. And then he reappears and pretends that nothing happened, you have a complete idyll. Then it disappears again, and so on endlessly.

Each time the manipulator returns, the victim receives an incredible dose of happiness. At this point, the abandoned person is devastated and suffering, so that the mood graph jumps from the lowest point to the highest point - the difference is felt in a very special way. One gets the impression that no one else and nothing else can bring such happiness.

At the same time, the victim is confused, does not understand what happens when the partner disappears. She begins to look for reasons in herself and, of course, finds. As a result, the return of the partner is colored with additional emotions: the person made a mistake (although he does not understand where), but he was forgiven.

Anyone can fall into this trap. It's just that someone manages to slow down in time and assess the situation from the outside - it will look delusional. Someone from this swing may never get off, especially if the manipulator is swinging it deliberately.

In my youth, I often fell in love, but one feeling became truly fatal. Most likely, I would quickly move away from him and live on as usual. In general, I easily relate to the fact that someone does not like me, as long as it is simple and honest: yes or no. But this man was sending extremely conflicting signals. Some of the meetings were definitely romantic, others were very cold and strange. He could disappear for months, and then appear, and everything went as if there was no pause.

For a long time I could not figure out what was happening. I understood that we don't have a relationship, but at the same time, I didn't go on dates, because suddenly something would start twisting. I tried to be better in everything, because the reason for the coldness is probably in me. I'll get cooler and jump to his level. And I was unbearable, I could think and talk about only one thing - thanks to my friends for putting up with it.

I slept a lot and worked very hard to fill the void. But all the same, she was happy only when she received his approval - he finally appeared. This feeling lasted for several days, and then it became even more bitter. According to the description, it looks like a drug addiction, probably even with withdrawal symptoms.

I don’t think (or rather, I hope) that he did it on purpose. It was just that I was also at the age when you do not fully know what you want. And it's scary to let go of what you are holding in your fist just in case - it will suddenly come in handy. I wasn’t useful.

It all lasted a year and ended simply. He disappeared again, having said something offensive in the end, and I blocked him everywhere. Then a man appeared, but I somehow looked at the situation more soberly. He wrote: "You want us to see each other more often, but I can't even see my friends so often!" I thought: "Oh, during all this time I have not even become a friend," because I was not a lover either. And when you are in the 35th row of someone's hierarchy, you can't climb up, you just have to leave.

Self-Esteem Manipulation

It is easy to keep a person with low self-esteem on an emotional leash. He believes that he is not worthy of love, that he is nothing of himself and can not do anything. Therefore, he easily transfers responsibility for his life to another and is grateful that he endures such stupidity next to him.

To lower the victim's self-esteem, the aggressor will notice every mistake and shortcoming, talk about it constantly - personally and in public, - focus on how he and everyone around him are doing better. It will quickly become obvious that you cannot do without such a partner.

Blurred promises

Hearing "We will go to Italy in the summer", you immediately understand what we are talking about. The partner gives you a specific promise, about the fulfillment of which you can ask questions. The manipulator will create illusions - not for planning, but for play.

For example, he asks: "Would you like to live with me?" The satisfied victim takes this for an offer, happily agrees and starts packing his bags. But it will quickly become clear that it was just a question - no one promised anything.

The trick is that the manipulator can always interpret his words in two ways - and, of course, not at all the way the victim perceived them. If the suitcases had not been collected, a claim would have arrived in response that no one listens to the aggressor and does not take it seriously.

As a result, everything turns into a gambling, but destructive game with attempts to guess what the partner meant and hit the jackpot. Only that won't happen. And the victim, investing more and more in the relationship, will swallow the hook deeper.

Using fears and stereotypes

The manipulator plays with pleasure on the fears of the victim: to be alone, not to marry, not to have a child, to be rejected or to be judged by others.

Svetlana Bibikova psychologist

Let's not forget that the most powerful suppliers of templates are culture, popular morality with its stable imperatives: "Love must be eternal", "There is no smoke without fire", "Hits means loves" - and religion: "Love is an unconditional virtue", “Love your neighbor as yourself”, “Do not resist the evil one. Whoever hits you on your right cheek, turn the other to him."

As a result, the victim begins to believe that this relationship is her last chance.

Increased feelings of guilt

The aggressor diligently plays the role of the victim. He is always bad, and the partner is to blame for this, who, of course, will feel obliged to help, save, be near. An illusion may even arise that the manipulator alone will not survive, will disappear - this, of course, is not the case.

An extreme case of playing on guilt is the promise of suicide. Blackmail cannot be the basis of a healthy relationship: a person is independently responsible for his life. However, falling into this trap is easy enough.

Alla When she tried to leave, she felt like a traitor.

I have a former young man who, by the standards of many people around him, is a "good guy." But not in the sense that he did something good, he just didn't do anything bad. I didn’t smoke, sometimes I drank beer, I didn’t beat, I didn’t call names. But when I think of him, I shudder with anger, disgust, shame - the list goes on.

For a long time I could not understand what was wrong. He wanted a serious relationship and was offended at me that I didn't want one. But what did he mean by a serious relationship? That I will take care of him in everyday life and do tons of invisible work: to keep in my head information about what to buy for the house, for lunch, and so on. When I announced that I was not interested in this, he began to reproach me, periodically asking if I had changed my mind.

At the same time, I spent a year and a half trying to get away from him! All this time I had the feeling that somewhere I had already been treated like that. And one day I realized where: my mother behaves in a similar way.

This was terrifying. But it became clear why I was generally stuck in this relationship: I fell on a familiar hook. It was a strange sensation. Part of me understood that it was time to blame, but the other was like: “What are you talking about? We live like this all our lives!"

What happened in childhood seems to be the norm. It took me years of therapy to understand that I cannot be offended because I do not want to sacrifice myself for you. It's okay to have your needs and meet them in a relationship.

And in my childhood it was not normal. If mom says that we are going to the dacha, then we are going to the dacha. There is no choice, and nobody cares whether you want it or not. And if you protest, you are a traitor. And emotional punishment awaits you: scandals, reproaches, nagging. You get used to obeying. And when a partner begins to behave in a similar way, I am not fighting against him, but against my mother. And going against mom in childhood is like going against God. It makes no sense, because how are you going to live afterwards?

You have no idea what a relief it is to understand that your partner is not a mom and that he is being chosen.

Material dependence

It seems, what does emotional addiction have to do with it? But there is a direct connection here: money gives a sense of security. Without them, we cannot satisfy our basic needs like food and sleep, because sleeping on the street is so-so.

Accordingly, a person who is completely materially dependent is often emotionally also attached to the aggressor.

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How to get out of a destructive relationship

It is difficult for a person to end a destructive connection because of feelings of guilt, fear of taking responsibility for their own decisions and changing everything. He is scared that he will never meet a better partner, that he will not be able to cope with life without him, since for a long time all attention and energy were focused on him. The disappearance of a beloved is equated to one's own disappearance and a complete loss of the meaning of life.

Most of these fears are irrational in nature. Getting free from the influence of destructive attachment is real, although not easy. A person will have to come face to face with his problem, understand the reasons that led to the current situation, otherwise the next relationship is doomed to follow the old scenario, and also learn to find strength and support in himself.

Christina Kostikova

It won't be easy to leave. As soon as you decide to stop communicating, such a partner becomes as flexible, kind and helpful as possible. Doubts may arise: "Maybe it just seemed to me?" But if you stay, then everything will return.

If you decide to leave, do it right away. Know that a better, free life awaits you next, and relationships can be different. To do this, you need to work not on your partner, but on yourself. Change you and your behavior strategy, and you will meet completely different people who will appreciate, love and respect you. And the support of relatives and a psychologist will help in this.