What is wrong with your opinion and why does it turn into rudeness

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2024-01-13 00:26

Everyone has the right to express their thoughts, but they do not always need to use it.

This article is part of the "" project. In it, we declare war on everything that prevents people from living and becoming better: breaking laws, believing in nonsense, deceit and fraud. If you've come across a similar experience, share your stories in the comments.

Why not always say what you think

Motivational coaches of all stripes advise having an opinion. Like, how else will you become a strong and independent person if you do not analyze what is happening and form an attitude towards it? And this is generally good advice.

For example, there are situations when the lack of one's own position and silence is akin to a crime. Russian society is very slowly moving towards humanization, including due to the fact that it is safer to ignore heated discussions. But if someone is spreading anti-scientific theories, misconceptions and simply disgusting things, it is important to speak up. It is not necessary to overpersuade the opponent, but it is necessary to indicate that there are people with a different point of view and there are many of them. This is how public opinion is formed, and the hesitant can choose which side they want to join.

But, as a rule, opinions are expressed much more actively when it would be better to remain silent. People love to discuss others. Especially for those who are at least somewhat different from the average. The distribution includes height, weight, hair color, clothing style, tattoos, stretch marks - whatever. A person reads the unusual and tries to reflect on it.

Children tend to voice their thoughts. They celebrate everything around with enthusiasm: “Mom, look, what a beautiful lipstick she has! Mom, why is your uncle so fat? The child lacks experience, empathy, to assess the appropriateness of exclamations. When an adult says everything that comes to mind, this is not a manifestation of inner freedom, but immaturity.

Not every reaction needs to be voiced. She speaks more about you than about the person you want to discuss and condemn.

A violent response is a reason to think about why the situation caused it, what makes you angry or worried. In most cases, this has nothing to do with caring for a person or society. It's just that the speaker doesn't like something. And here again the time has come for revelations: others are not obliged to look and behave in such a way that someone would like it, if it does not contradict the legislation.

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When is it better to remain silent

As soon as it comes to another person, the opinion turns into an assessment. And it doesn't matter whether you speak judgmental or approvingly - you still take a position over the object of attention, you think that you understand better how to live it. And, of course, you broadcast your installations based on your own experience.

Here are just a stranger does not need someone else's approval, assessment and control when it comes to things that concern only him.

Appearance

It doesn't matter whether a person likes his own appearance or not, he will figure it out himself. What he definitely shouldn't do is change himself to suit other people's preferences. This includes height, weight, features of the figure, style and everything that one way or another relates to appearance.

Age

The figure does not depend on the person, and he does not need advice on how to look younger (if he himself does not ask for them).

Personal preferences

For one, jellied fish is disgusting, while the other loves it. He is not obliged to listen to the itching as it is possible to eat it. Books, music, movies, hobbies - all this can be discussed, but not condemned. But, as already mentioned, as long as the preferences do not overstep the boundaries and begin to harm.

If someone made repairs in "disgusting beige tones" or, conversely, painted the walls red and the ceiling green, then this is a matter of taste and not the business of others. If, during the repair, an illegal redevelopment was carried out, this is already a common matter. When a person does not get married before forty, this is his personal choice. And when someone says it's okay to marry a 10-year-old, it's better to speak up.

This does not mean that you should not have your own opinion on these issues. But to speak out on them is already tactless.

By doing this, you do not help anyone and do not improve anything, but simply climb into a person's life with your own measure and push his boundaries. Whenever you feel like speaking up, ask yourself if this concerns you. If not, chewing is better than talking.

How to understand that opinion turns into rudeness

There are phrases that eloquently make this clear.

I don't want to offend, but …

Translation. What I am about to say will offend you, and I understand that this is tactless. But I really want to say it and stay good in your eyes! Therefore, I will express everything, but if you are indignant, I will push all the responsibility onto you. I warned you.

Example. Don't be offended, these pants make your ass huge! Go on a diet and then maybe you can wear them.

This is just my opinion

Translation. I heard somewhere that if you add to the slander that this is an opinion and not a fact, then they will not be able to prosecute. It's the same here: I have the right to say what I think, even if it is not based on anything. And if a person is unpleasant, well, that's his problem. I cannot be responsible for the feelings of others.

Example. It seems to me that a person with a tattoo should not be allowed to work with children. They are some kind of abnormal. This is just my opinion.

Don't say a word to you

Translation. I want to say anything, but I forbid you to respond proportionately to my words.

Example.

- What are you wearing? It's so trendy right now, right? Maybe I just don't know something. It looks strange.

“I don’t understand why you decided that my clothes were a subject for discussion.

- Don't say a word to you, you immediately perceive everything with hostility!

I don't allow myself this

Translation. I don't blame you directly, but look how much better I am than you.

Example. Oh, you are wearing short shorts! Brave! I can't afford this, I still need to lose weight to XS.

The desire to use any of these phrases speaks volumes about the statement being inappropriate.

Another way to whitewash yourself is to change the reason for the statement. For example, if it comes to body positivity, there will definitely be commentators who will condemn the phenomenon: this is a fashion for being overweight, and it is unhealthy. Leaving aside the misunderstanding of body positivity, there are other nuances here:

1. Being overweight can be a source of health problems. But this does not mean that the person you are talking about is sick. And thinness is not equated with health.
2. "Extra" pounds are not always extra in reality. There is a chasm between glossy standards and medical norm.
3. If a person is so concerned about the problem of someone else's health, he tirelessly should write condemning comments under the posts of smokers, alcohol users, and leading a sedentary lifestyle, but he hardly does this.

The conclusion suggests itself: statements have nothing to do with someone else's health. A person is simply abusing the right to an opinion about which he was not asked.

For example, in 2016, Mexican gymnast Alex Moreno was repeatedly insulted because of her figure. An athlete with a height of 147 centimeters and weighing 45 kilograms was hounded for weight. Obviously, she could not have had health problems because of her weight. Moreover, she was selected for the Olympics, performed there, and her form is much better than that of the couch critics. What is the reason? She was different.

Another "screen" for advisers is the phrase "If I don't tell you, no one will tell you." Here the speaker is warmed by the mask of parental care for an unreasonable chick. And again, not without surprises. The person either knows that he has a problem (and is unlikely to want to hear about it), or does not consider it a problem. While someone, out of the kindness of his soul, reports that he has a bald head, he counts the days until he becomes like Bruce Willis. In both cases it will be unpleasant, and the advisor knows it, but he says it anyway.

How to express your opinion correctly

Check if you were asked

If you want to speak on a sensitive topic, please check if there is a request. The very existence of a person or the presence of family ties is not enough for you to have the right to tell him whatever you think. Some people mistakenly believe that such permission is given by posts on social networks: if you post photos, be prepared for a reaction. And this is another mistake.

But if you are asked a direct question, you can answer it honestly. Various social dances are accepted in society, but it is not necessary to participate in them.

Be on an equal footing with the interlocutor

It is important here what is in priority: to sit on the background of the interlocutors or to discuss something. One of the basic rules of green conversation is not to get personal. But it's not just about direct insults. Compare:

Yes. Have you read Aristotle's Poetics? He writes that …

No. Why do you think so? Better read Aristotle's Poetics!

Do not underestimate the interlocutor and blame him from the start that his opinion is less important than yours.

Use i-messages

Remember that what you say is just an opinion, not the ultimate truth. Therefore, you should be careful with the wording.

Yes. I don't like red lipstick, I like natural colors.

No. Red lipstick is ugly!

Select expression

Even if you don't like something about other people, this is not a reason to assign characteristics to them just like that. The opinion must be substantiated.

Yes. This skirt is a bit short, you won't be able to ride the subway in it: the linen will be visible on the escalator, and it is inconvenient to sit down.

No. Such short skirts are worn only by prostitutes, have you lost your mind?

Don't gossip

It seems that discussing a person behind his back is not as painful as expressing everything in his eyes. He still won't know what you think of his pants, wallpaper and new girlfriend. But this is also not worth doing if you want to be, and not seem to be a good person.