The best way to waste your precious time

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

Time spent with benefit is one of the main values of today's world. We plan, agree, rush, write, so as not to waste even a minute. But getting closer to your family is impossible on schedule. The New York Times journalist Frank Bruni wrote an article about his family tradition, and at the same time talked about why it is so important to make time for your family.

Every summer my family adheres to the same tradition. All 20 people - my brothers, sisters, father, our best half, my nephews and nieces - are looking for a large house on the coast that can accommodate our unruly clan. To do this, we travel to a wide variety of states. We share our bedrooms with excitement, trying to remember who stayed comfortably and who didn’t on the previous trip. And we spend the next seven days and seven nights in each other's company.

That's right: a whole week. This part of our tradition puzzles many of my friends who support family cohesion but are convinced that this time is more than enough. Isn't a whole weekend long enough? And don't want to give up a few people to make planning easier?

The answer to the last question is yes, but the first is definitely not.

I used to think that it’s better to see my family for a short time, and in the past I came to this beach vacation a day later or ran out a couple of days earlier, convincing myself that I needed something on business. Actually, though, I just wanted to leave. Because I missed my usual home and tranquility, because I was exhausted from boredom, marinating in sunscreen and looking for sand in the most unexpected places. But in the last few years, I've been showing up at the very beginning and staying until the end. And I noticed the difference.

I’m more likely to be there when one of my nephews loses his guard and asks my advice for something personal. Or when my niece needs someone - not Mom or Dad - to tell her that she is smart and beautiful. Or when one of my brothers or sisters recalls an incident from our childhood that will make us laugh to tears, and suddenly our family ties and love will grow stronger.

There is simply no real substitute for direct physical presence.

We are deliberately deceived when we convince ourselves of the opposite, when we pray and worship “time well spent” - a cliché with ambiguous perspectives. We make contingency plans, invent tragedies and illnesses, and communicate with loved ones at strictly agreed-upon hours.

We can try. We can set aside one lunch every day or two nights a week and get rid of any distractions. We can arrange everything so that everyone relaxes and feels uplifted. We can fill this time with totems and tinsel: balloons for a child, sparkling wine for a spouse - this is a signal for the start of the holiday, to create a sense of belonging.

And there is no doubt that case-based caring can both help build family bonds, and vice versa. Of course, 15 empathetic minutes is better than 30 absentminded.

But people, as a rule, do not act on a signal. At least our moods and emotions don't work that way. We ask for help at unpredictable times, we ripen at unpredictable times.

Claire Cain Miller and David Streitfeld are talking about this. They noted that “a workplace culture that encourages young mothers and fathers to get back to their offices as soon as possible is starting to go away,” and cited Microsoft and Netflix as “family-friendly policies,” which increased vacation days for workers with children. …

How many parents have given up on the shortened leave and taken the opportunity remains to be seen. But those who decide to go on a long vacation realize that communication with children becomes deeper and more meaningful over time.

And they will be lucky: many people do not have the opportunity to be so free. My family is also lucky. We have the means to leave.

We decided that Thanksgiving is not enough, Christmas Eve is too fast, and that if each of us really wants to participate in the life of the other, then we must invest large funds in this business - minutes, hours, days. As soon as our beach week ended this summer, we huddled over calendars and exchanged dozens of emails to figure out which week next summer we could put things aside. That was not easy. But that was important.

Couples do not live together because it is economically beneficial. They understand, consciously or instinctively, that living in close proximity is the best path to the soul of another. Spontaneous actions in unexpected moments bring sweeter fruits than those that go through the standard scenario on a date. The words "I love you" mean much more than those whispered in my ear at a big ceremony in Tuscany. No, this phrase can slip by accidentally, spontaneously, during a grocery trip or at lunch, in the midst of hard and boring work.

Words of support when it is not easy for you - this is undisguised tenderness in its purest form.

I know that my 80-year-old father does not think about death, religion and God because I have scheduled a meeting with him to discuss it all. I know because I was in the next car seat when these thoughts came to his mind and he was able to express them.

And I know what he is proud of and what he regrets, because not only did I arrive on time for our summer vacation, but I flew ahead with him to prepare for the arrival of the others, and he was uncharacteristically brooding during this flight.

On one occasion, my nephew spoke to me unusually frankly and at length about his college expectations, his experiences at school - everything I tried to pry out before, but never got a complete answer. He volunteered about it during a regular lunch.

The next morning, my niece explained (which she had never done before) all the joys, sorrows and events associated with her relationship with her parents, two sisters and brother. Why this information burst out of it, when pelicans flew over our heads, and we were drenched in heat, I cannot explain to you. But I can say that we have become more connected, and this is not because I made a deliberate effort to recognize her emotions. Just because I was present. Because I was there.