How to make your child obey

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

How to achieve obedience is a big and serious topic. Without pretending to be complete, we have collected some tips. All of them are scientifically based and have helped many parents.

If you want to find the answer to the question "How to make a child obey?", Then you have come to the address: you no longer need to read any articles, including this one. I will answer right now: "No way!"

There is no way to force a child to obey. You can only force to obey, and then not for long.

The famous German psychotherapist, the founder of gestalt therapy Fritz Perls (Fritz Perls) argued that there are two ways to influence another person: to become a "dog from above" or "a dog from below". "The dog on top" is power, authority, orders, threats, punishments, pressure. "The dog from below" is flattery, lies, manipulation, sabotage, blackmail, tears. And when these two "dogs" come into confrontation, the "dog from below" always wins. So, if you want your child to obey you, first of all, stop forcing him. Stop commanding, lecturing, shaming. Here are some tips on how to replace these ineffective remedies.

How to achieve obedience

The first step is to encourage and stimulate any activity of the child, directed in the right direction. Is the girl eager to wash the dishes? Be sure to allow, even if her help only gets in the way. Psychologists conducted surveys of schoolchildren in the fourth and eighth grades to find out if they were doing any housework. It turned out that the percentage of children who do not help their parents is the same. But in the fourth and sixth grades, many children were unhappy that they were not trusted with household chores! But in the seventh and eighth grades, there were no more dissatisfied.

The founder of Russian psychology, Lev Semyonovich Vygotsky, developed a universal scheme for teaching a child to independently perform everyday activities. First, the child does something with his parents, then the parents draw clear instructions, and then the child begins to act completely independently.

Let's say you want your child to fold things neatly when they come in from the street. The first stage: everything is done together, parents show, help. At the second stage, you need to come up with and draw a hint: what, in what sequence and where to add. For example, this one:

Most children readily follow clear, clear instructions. Gradually, a habit is formed, and external cues become unnecessary.

Another great trick is to turn the action into a game or competition. Simply putting away toys is boring and time-consuming. Playing cleaning is another matter entirely.

Play is a natural need for children; in a playful way, they are ready to take on the most unloved things. Competition is also a great motivator.

The well-known child psychologist Yulia Borisovna Gippenreiter gives an example. The parents wanted their son to do exercises. We bought equipment, my father made a horizontal bar in the doorway, but the boy was not particularly interested in this, and he shirked by all means. Then mom invited her son to compete, who will do more pull-ups. They brought a table, hung it next to the horizontal bar. As a result, both began to play sports regularly.

A few words about a common practice of paying children to do household chores … In the long run, this does not work. The child's demands are growing, and the amount of work done is decreasing. In one study, students were asked to solve a puzzle. Half of them were paid for it, others were not. Those who received the money were less persistent and quickly stopped trying. Those who acted out of sporting interest spent more time. This once again confirms the rule known in psychology: extrinsic motivation (even positive) is less effective than intrinsic.

How to properly prohibit

Bans are needed not only for physical security. Numerous studies have shown that permissiveness in childhood negatively affects a person's personality and fate. Therefore, prohibitions must be mandatory. But it is very important not to go too far, because their excess is also harmful. Let's see what psychologists advise.

1. Flexibility

Yulia Borisovna Gippenreiter proposes to divide all the child's activity into four zones: green, yellow, orange and red.

1. The green zone is what is allowed without any conditions, what the child himself can choose. For example, what toys to play with.
2. Yellow zone - allowed, but with a condition. For example, you can go for a walk if you do your homework.
3. Orange Zone - only allowed in exceptional cases. For example, you can not go to bed on time, since today is a holiday.
4. The red zone is something that should not be done under any circumstances.

2. Consistency and consistency

If some actions are in the red zone, they should never be allowed to the child. It is enough to give slack once, and that's it: children instantly understand that they can disobey. The same applies to the yellow zone. If the child has not done his homework, he must definitely be deprived of a walk. Toughness and consistency are the main allies of parents. It is equally important that requirements and prohibitions are agreed upon between family members. When mom forbids eating candy, and dad allows, nothing good will come of it. Children quickly learn to use discord among adults to their advantage. As a result, neither dad nor mom will achieve obedience.

3. Proportionality

Do not demand the impossible and be careful when approaching difficult prohibitions. For example, it is very difficult for preschoolers (and for some it is simply impossible) to sit quietly for more than 20-30 minutes. It makes no sense to forbid them to jump, run and shout in this situation. Another example: at the age of three, a child begins a period when he refuses all the proposals of his parents. How to cope with this is a separate topic, but the phrase "Stop contradicting me!" will only do harm. Parents should have an understanding of the age characteristics of their children in order to harmonize their inhibitions with the capabilities of the child.

4. Correct tone

A calm, friendly tone is more effective than strictness and threats. In one experiment, children were led into a toy room. The most attractive was the controlled robot. The experimenter told the child that he would leave and that he could not play with the robot while he was away. In one case, the prohibition was strict, harsh, with threats of punishment; in the other, the teacher spoke softly, without raising his voice. The percentage of children who violated the ban turned out to be the same. But two weeks later, these children were again invited to the same room …

This time, no one forbade them to play with the robot alone. 14 out of 18 children who were strict with the last time, immediately took the robot as soon as the teacher left. And most of the children from the other group still did not play with the robot until the teacher came. This is the difference between submission and obedience.

5. Punishments

Failure to comply with the prohibitions should be punished. The most general rules are:

1. It is better to take away the good than to do the bad.
2. Can't be punished in public.
3. Punishment should never be humiliating.
4. You cannot punish "for prevention."
5. Of the measures of physical influence, only restraint is definitely recommended when it is necessary to stop a raging child. Physical punishment is best kept to a minimum.

6. A little disobedience

An absolutely obedient child is not the norm. And what kind of life experience will your child get if he follows the instructions and directions all the time? Sometimes the child should be allowed to do something that will harm him. Facing bad consequences is the best teacher. For example, a child reaches for a candle. If you see this and are confident that you are in control (there are no flammable objects nearby), allow it to touch the flame. This will save you from verbose explanations why you can't play with fire. Naturally, the possible harm should be adequately assessed. It is a crime to allow a child to stick their fingers in the socket.

Not following the instructions of adults, breaking the locked, children are always trying to achieve or avoid something. For example, gain attention to yourself or avoid a traumatic situation. The most important and most difficult task for parents is to understand what is behind disobedience. And for this, the child must be listened to, one must talk to him. Unfortunately, there are no magic wands or unicorns. It is impossible to read an article on Lifehacker and solve all problems in relationships with children. But you can at least try.