The Art of Persuasion: 7 Secrets of a Hostage Negotiator and Freeman

1. Don't be honest

Straightforwardness and honesty are wonderful qualities. But if you use them to the fullest in an argument, it may seem to your opponent that you are too assertive and rude.

If you don’t listen, don’t seek mutual understanding, and don’t want to put yourself in the other person’s shoes, an easily solvable problem can turn into a real battle. But you don't want to start a war. Therefore, be polite and careful in your expressions.

Chris Voss book author, former FBI negotiator and hostage rescue specialist

“I am a straightforward and honest person. I will speak openly and honestly because I want people to speak honestly and openly with me. Don't think so. Another person may perceive your honesty as being tough and aggressive. If it seems to me that my direct and honest approach might be perceived as an attack, I will try to mislead my opponent and focus on solving the problem. So the interlocutor will not feel that I am attacking him.

Negotiation books often advise you to get straight to the point. But they do not write there that such a tactic can be regarded as an attack. You better slow down. Smile. Speak in a friendly and calm manner.

2. Do not try to always be answered "yes"

You've probably heard of this trick: if you get the other person to say yes to your questions a few times, they are more likely to agree with what you really want. This trick may have worked in the past, but today everyone knows about it.

Now imagine that someone is trying to pull this trick with you. And you perfectly understand what they want from you. I wonder how you feel? Exactly. That you are disgusting and primitively manipulated. Trust, like negotiations, goes down the drain. People will be reluctant to say yes if they suspect that something is being sought out of them. They immediately become defensive.

When a person says no, he feels protected. "No" is protection. “Yes” is a commitment. The person begins to worry if he made a mistake by agreeing to something. But answering “no”, he does not commit himself to anything. Only by feeling protected can he relax and become more open.

Chris Voss

Chris recommends constructing phrases so that the person can answer "no" to them. For example, you might ask, "Would it be a bad idea if …?"

It's also a great way to deal with situations when you are being ignored. How it works? Ask one simple question to get the other person to say no. For example: "Have you given up on this project?" Most often, this is followed by a quick response: “No, we just have been very busy lately. Sorry for delay".

3. Check all accusations and agree with them

If you are arguing with a loved one or a business partner with whom your relationship has suddenly deteriorated, sooner or later you will hear complaints about yourself: "You are not listening to me" or "You acted unfairly."

Most often, the answer to the accusation will begin like this: “I don’t …” Saying this phrase, you reject the feelings of the interlocutor and you will not be able to come to anything. Trust is lost.

What to do in this situation? Agree to every terrible accusation they can make against you.

The fastest and most effective way to restore the old relationship is to admit all claims and iron them out.

Chris Voss

Don't be afraid to appear weak, don't be afraid to apologize. Before you have revealed all your cards, let your opponent know that you are on his side. In the long term, he will also make concessions to you if he believes that you are involved and understand him. By denying claims, you double the flow of accusations.

4. Let your opponent feel like he's in control

Many books on negotiation use martial metaphors and emphasize the importance of dominance. Bad idea. You should strive for a collaborative atmosphere. But if both sides fight for power, then cooperation can be forgotten. Some people completely lose control of themselves when they feel they are not in control, especially in a tense environment. So let them think they have everything under control.

Ask your opponent to be the first to start the conversation and to determine the direction of the discussion. Ask open-ended questions "what?" And How?". This will make your opponent feel like a master of the situation, because he enlightens you. By doing so, you will create a more favorable atmosphere that will allow you to close a better deal.

Chris Voss

5. Make your opponent say the magic words

"Yes that's right". When your opponent utters this phrase, you can be sure that he feels that you understand him. You have achieved harmony. Emotions are now working for you. Now you are not warring savages, but two parties trying to solve a problem by cooperating with each other.

How to translate the conversation to get the answer "Yes, that's right"? Make generalizations. Rephrase what your opponent is telling you. So he will understand that you are listening and understand him. You don't have to agree with everything you hear, you just need to give a short description.

But the words "you are right" should make you worry. Think when you yourself say this phrase. Most often, when you want to politely hint a person to shut up and fail.

6. Reveal the levers of pressure

Sometimes it seems that you cannot influence the situation in any way. But there are always levers of pressure, you just need to find them. And you can do this by listening and asking questions. This allows you to build trusting relationships and gives the opponent the opportunity to feel that he is in control.

Negotiation is not a struggle, but a disclosure process. When you know the other person's real needs and reasons why they are resisting, you can reach out to them directly and try to solve the problems.

Your opponent has a story to tell you. You should get valuable information from his words. For example, his boss told him that if the deal was not closed in two days, he would be fired. Or in his company, it is imperative to close all transactions before going on vacation. In fact, there are two things you need to know. What the opponent is deliberately hiding from you, and what he simply does not think is important (although it is) and what he will not mention if you do not direct the conversation.

Chris Voss

A good example of such a situation is the lecture on negotiation at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. Two groups of students must decide how to divide the oranges. Each group knows its task, but the task of the other group does not. Aggressive students simply take all the oranges for themselves (they get bad and, most likely, are more likely to get divorced in the future). Cooperative students suggest dividing the oranges 50/50. Better, but far from perfect.

What are smart students doing? Asking the right questions. As a result, they may learn that the other group only needs orange peels. And their group only needs fruit. Both parties can get exactly what they want. But they will never know about it unless they ask.

7. Ask stupid questions

Turn on the fool. It works. Ask: "How can I do this?" - and your opponent will start solving your problem for you.

The time-tested question "how?" - an unmistakable negotiation option. This is how you put pressure on your opponent. He has to come up with a solution and imagine the problems that you may face in fulfilling his demand. The question is "how?" is a graceful and affectionate way of saying no. Your opponent will have to come up with a better solution - your solution.

Chris Voss

Keep asking questions. During the negotiations to free the hostages, Chris had to ask over and over again: “How do we know the hostages are safe?” “We don't have that kind of money. How do we get them? "," How do we deliver the ransom to you? " At some point, you will simply be told: “These are your problems. Figure it out for yourself. " There is nothing wrong with that. This means that the negotiations have come to an end and you must make a decision.

Outcomes

Let's recap all the tips to help you convince other people:

Don't be honest. Honesty can be perceived as tough and stubborn regardless of your intentions. Be polite and slow down.
Don't try to always get the answer "yes" to you. This trick makes people become defensive. Make sure the answer is no.
Agree with all charges. Admit all claims addressed to you and try to smooth them out.
Let them feel like they're in control. People want independence. Ask questions and help them feel in control.
Get the answer "Yes, that's right." This is how you can start collaborating.
Identify the levers of pressure. Listen, listen, listen.
Ask stupid questions. Let your opponents solve your problems.