How to recognize and resist passive aggression

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

Anger can take on strange forms if not expressed openly.

There are almost certainly people in your environment who make offensive jokes, ignore your requests and defiantly declare that everything is in order, although this is far from being the case. This behavior is called passive-aggressive. We will tell you how it manifests itself and what to do if you encounter it. Well, or if you yourself behave in a similar way.

What is passive aggression and where does it come from

This term was coined by psychiatrist William Menninger during World War II. He observed the behavior of the soldiers and realized that some of them were evading orders. But they do not do it openly (which is not surprising), but use veiled methods. For example, they play for time, are demonstratively offended, or perform the task poorly - so that the next time they will not be contacted.

Now passive aggression is considered behavior in which a person does not show anger openly, but disguises it in more socially approved ways. For example, with the help of sarcasm, sabotage, antics, manipulation, and so on. Very often passive-aggressive people do not realize why they behave this way, and do not understand what consequences this can lead to.

Meanwhile, passive aggression can at least spoil the mood of others. And in severe cases - to destroy relationships or reduce the productivity of the company. And, of course, such behavior interferes with the aggressor himself: it makes him unhappy, does not allow him to develop, to show his feelings, to build relationships.

Psychologists believe that the main reason for passive aggression is education.

If a child is forbidden from showing anger, shamed for anger, and demanded to calm down immediately, it will be very difficult for him to speak openly about his feelings.

Other causes are stress and mental illnesses such as anxiety disorder, ADHD, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and others. Of course, sometimes there are situations when we would be happy to honestly declare our feelings, but we have to keep our mouths shut (for example, for fear of losing our job). Then the anger manifests itself in a passive form.

What passive aggression looks like

Psychologists identify several main features. And here are the phrases and actions in which they appear.

1. "It's okay"

Passive-aggressive people will never honestly say they are angry or offended. But they will show it with their whole appearance: look like a wolf, sigh, poke, purse their lips, hold dramatic pauses, and so on. At the same time, if you ask what happened, in response you will hear "nothing" and "everything is in order." But it will be said in a cold or offended tone.

2. "Do what you want"

If a passive-aggressive person nevertheless starts talking about what worries him, he will not express a complaint directly, he will not dare to open confrontation. Instead, he will use phrases like: “Of course! Nobody cares about my feelings!”,“Yes, yes, now everything is clear to me”,“Do as you know”,“I made conclusions”.

He can also, for example, tell a story with a hint or post a meaningful quote on the social network - to show how offended and unhappy he is. Or, on the contrary, it will ignore you: skip your calls and messages, as if accidentally “forget” about your requests, pretend not to see or hear what you are saying. Sometimes the purpose of all of this is to provoke you. So that you yourself start an open conflict and the passive aggressor finally has a legal opportunity to express everything he thinks.

3. "Do not be offended, I am loving"

If such a person does not like you, he will not tell you what the matter is, he will not talk to you, he will not quarrel and be indignant. He will pretend that everything is in order. And it will throw out dissatisfaction in other ways.

For example, in the form of sarcasm, banter, hurtful jokes, or compliments that hurt your feelings.

"The dress makes you so slim, it is almost impossible to see that you have recovered!", "For a woman, you drive a car very well." This is a pretty nasty pattern of behavior, because it is quite difficult to respond to such attacks: if you give a sharp rebuff, you may be portrayed as rude and without a sense of humor.

4. “Losing weight? Here's a cake for you"

Another form of passive aggression is trying to prevent you from achieving your goals. You tell me that you follow your diet and want to lose weight, and the next day you are persistently treated to cakes. You’re going to work and you’re getting distracted every five minutes for trivial reasons.

5. "I forgot again"

Passive-aggressive people can sabotage their responsibilities and even interfere with others. And this is only because it is difficult for them to openly express disagreement or discontent.

For example, you are working on a large project, and verbally all team members agree on both the tasks and the deadlines. And then there is someone who is always late, forgets something, does his job very badly, wastes time, grumbles, distracts others.

It is quite possible that in fact he does not like this project, but circumstances do not allow him to refuse.

Similar behavior can manifest itself in other situations. Some of the family members do not want to wash the dishes and do it extremely badly - so that the next time they do not ask him about it. The student does not do his homework on a certain subject because the teacher was disrespectful to him. Etc.

Of course, regularity is important in all of these examples. If someone didn’t do the job on time or made a bad joke once, this doesn’t mean that he is angry about something or he doesn’t like you.

How to respond to passive aggression

Experts advise not to show reciprocal aggression, not to try to offend or ridicule a person. The best thing you can do is talk to the aggressor about what he is so afraid of, that is, his feelings.

• Tell us about your observations. You can see perfectly well that your interlocutor is dissatisfied with something, it worries and upsets you, you would like to understand the reasons.
• Reflect on the reasons. Most likely, a passive-aggressive person will deny everything and will not admit that he is angry. Therefore, it is useless to ask what happened. If you have versions of why your interlocutor is unhappy, say so and clarify whether your assumptions are correct. “I've been working a lot lately and come home late. I think you’re mad at me, but you don’t want to talk about it. I'm right)?" If they disagree with you, consider other options. Try to get the person out into an open conversation.
• Suggest solutions to the situation. Tell us what you are ready to do to settle the conflict. And try to come to a consensus.

What to do if you are passive-aggressive

1. Try to understand yourself

Behind passive aggression - sarcasm, jokes, procrastination - lies anger or resentment that you forbid yourself to show openly. Dig into yourself and find out what (or at whom) you are angry, why you are afraid of conflicts and do not allow yourself to express your own feelings.

2. Allow yourself to get angry

Admit that you are angry. Accept that this is a completely natural feeling, stop suppressing it. It's okay to feel anger, but not to suppress it. This can lead to depression and anxiety disorder.

3. Talk about your concerns

This is one of the best ways to express your feelings and let them go. Yes, for those who are used to keeping everything to themselves, frankness can be very difficult. Therefore, it may be worthwhile to articulate what you want to say in advance, and even practice at home in front of a mirror.

Do not attack the interlocutor, be correct, do not go over to insults.

Use self-messages: talk about your feelings, but don't blame your opponent. "I get very angry when I have to spend my evenings alone", "It upsets me that my opinion is not listened to." If this conversation scares you very much, you can talk about your feelings in a letter.

4. Learn to Express Feelings

Sometimes it is impossible to say directly about your emotions. Or you are not ready for it yet. But this is also not a reason to keep anger and resentment in yourself. Try to express them in ways that won't offend anyone: keep a journal, write letters to your offenders (you don't have to send them), play sports, talk about your experiences with friends.