How to gain confidence and not be arrogant: the secrets of leaders

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

A real leader differs from a fake leader in that his confidence never grows into arrogance. Objective: to develop self-esteem so that it does not go off scale.

Think back to a moment in which you felt confident. You knew you could handle whatever came down on you. You were steeper than the mountains and you did everything right. You were on fire.

This is the magical feeling we dream of. This is what Katty Kay and Claire Shipman write in Confidence Itself. How to overcome internal barriers and realize yourself :

Scientists conclude that confidence is a key element of inner well-being and happiness, necessary for a fulfilling life. Without confidence, a person cannot enter the state of flow, the almost euphoric feeling of concentration described by Mihai Csikszentmihalyi.

Confidence attracts, encourages us to follow the leaders even to the ends of the earth. But add a drop of tar to this barrel of honey, and confidence transforms into arrogance.

Where is the dividing line between these states? It's about modesty. True confidence can do a lot, and the greatest of its capabilities is to give way to other people's thoughts and ideas.

Is it possible to deliberately be humble

How do humility and confidence interact with each other, and how do you find the optimal balance? To be an effective leader and respected person, you need both components.

The balance between them implies many nuances, and this picture best reflects the problem of finding balance:

The line between these qualities is so thin that they sit at the top of Jim Collins' pyramid of leadership.

The fifth level of the pyramid includes professional aspirations and personal humility. Leaders of this level make good companies great.

And how do we catch the elusive balance?

The Science of Confidence: Why We Don't Know We Are Cool

Part of the reason it’s difficult to find the balance between confidence and humility is that we don’t know ourselves.

Note the fact: While statistically unbelievable, 93% of drivers think their driving skills are above average. And 94% of university professors rate their teaching abilities in the same way - above average.

The average person is confident that they are above average.

So the problem is confidence or humility? And with that, and with the other.

It turns out that the least competent people tend to overestimate themselves, while the best players underestimate. In other words, there can be a chasm between our real abilities and our own assessment of these abilities!

This paradox is known as the effect, and in the diagram it looks like this:

This effect shows how weird our brains work when it comes to self-esteem.

Confidence or Modesty: Where Are You Wrong?

Perhaps the best thing you can do to balance yourself is decide how you feel about yourself right now. Whether you tend to be arrogant (you have too much faith in yourself) or disappointment in yourself (when you lack confidence). What you should pay attention to:

1. Floor … Women tend to underestimate their self-esteem, while men tend to overestimate. Research from Columbia University Business School found that on average, men overestimate their ability by 30%.
2. Place of residence … Psychologist David Dunning says that how you feel about yourself depends on the culture in which you are raised. Eastern cultures focus on self-improvement, while Western cultures honor self-esteem.
3. Test results … Still not sure where your skew is? Take psychological testing (but do not get carried away by questionable Internet tests compiled by students).

Signs of low self-esteem

There are generalities common to all people with low self-esteem. Here are the signals you may be seeing in yourself:

1. You have a bunch of plans in your head that you dream of realizing year after year, but you don't.
2. You do not ask for a raise, and if you do, you still underestimate your work. Men, who are generally more self-confident, are four times more likely than women to negotiate higher wages. And when women ask for a raise, the expected increase is 30% less than that of men.
3. You are in doubt when making important decisions.
4. You imagine that everyone around you is interested in your ups and downs.

Signs of high self-esteem

Martin Babinec, an entrepreneur and investor, has compiled a comprehensive list of signs to help you discover what is driving you towards arrogance. Some points are difficult to notice behind oneself. People with high self-esteem can:

1. Constantly highlight your achievements in conversation.
2. Do not think about what they do not know, and do not look for topics to study.
3. Not expressing interest in the people with whom you are communicating.
4. Start communication only because it promises personal gain.
5. Treat colleagues and service personnel differently.

Interestingly, in people whose self-esteem deviates (no matter which way), the ego plays too much of a role in life.

I have met many of those who were technically good at what they did, but their egos kept them from working. They devoted part of their attention to work. Another - to myself. Their ego demands attention and devours energy, indignant if it is not enough for it. And it will never be enough. "Who is worthy of recognition if not me?" All they strive for is gain or power, and work for them is no more than a means of achieving those goals. And when work is needed only for this, it loses quality.

Eckhart Tolle

6 ways to boost your self-esteem

1. Down with perfectionism

Everyone knows the old interview trick. You are asked to talk about the shortcomings. You get out of it by saying you are a perfectionist. Profit!

Elizabeth Gilbert wants to destroy the belief in the benefits of perfectionism. In her book on creativity, Big Magic, she says:

The insidiousness of perfectionism is that it masquerades as virtue. This is fear in a mink coat and fashionable boots: it pretends to be elegant, but in fact it is terrible. This is nothing more than a deep inner suffering, which over and over again makes you repeat: "I am not good enough and will never be good enough." The pursuit of perfectionism is just a waste of time, because there is nothing behind constant criticism. At some point, you just need to finish the work and leave it as it is. This is the only way to move on and do other things with a light heart.

Perfection is unattainable, and it prevents you from starting to act. Focus on progress and improvement by developing a growth mindset.

2. Take risks

Not going to be perfect, but I'll try a few things.

This is the mantra of Tom Kelley, author of Creative Confidence. He invites you to gather your courage and work on your ideas, artistic or any other.

A similar mantra from the book is "If you doubt - act." The authors say, "Nothing gives confidence more than action, especially when action carries the risk of failure."

3. Use confident gestures

Body language that radiates confidence helps you get great jobs, achieve ideas, and feel more successful. Here is a list of the best combinations:

Language of the body	Speech style	Communication with the audience
Relaxed shoulders	Low tone of voice	Frequent eye contact
Active gestures	Fast speech	Warm smile
Confident comfortable posture	Fast speech	Please ask questions
Minimum movement	Calm speech	Listening carefully

»

Social psychologist Amy Cuddy recommends several postures that boost your self-confidence.

4. Let go of failures

It's great to admit mistakes. Failures are the best way to grow.

But people with low self-esteem become obsessed with past wrong steps, although they have already learned all the possible lessons from them.

Re-program your brain to turn off negative feedback. Replace the thought of each failure with thoughts of three achievements or successes (even small ones). Or write down the failures on paper and find an alternative perspective on failure.

5. Dress aggressively

Sometimes you need to be inspired by cool characters from movies and TV shows like Cookie Lyon from "Empire".

Jazmine Hughes, managing editor of New York Times Magazine, tried this tactic when she was struck with Impostor Syndrome. She wore flashy kits for a week as if she were the heroine of a television show, and dressing up helped her find strength.

When I told a colleague that I felt stupid and tasteless in such an outfit, she was surprised. “I think you look great! - she said. - As if you always achieve what you want! We'll have to believe.

Jasmine Hughes

6. Receive praise

Did you have to refuse compliments, answer that you did not deserve them? Accepting your accomplishments is much more enjoyable than belittling them.

Learn to accept compliments. When you are praised, say, “Thank you! I'm very pleased . Try it and you yourself will be surprised how much strength and confidence you get after your words.

5 ways to be humble

Tony Schwartz in the New York Times gave a good definition of modesty:

Genuine humility is not a reflection of weakness or insecurity. On the contrary, it means understanding the strengths of other people, the absence of pretentiousness, a feeling of calm confidence and does not require someone else's recognition.

Thus, confidence and humility are related. Perhaps these are two sides of the same coin. And if you want to be humble, here are some ways.

1. Say "I don't know"

"I do not know". These are the most powerful words you can say to a team. When a leader humbly admits that he does not know the answers to all the questions, he creates an open space for other team members to take a step forward and come up with a solution. This makes subordinates feel less dependent. In this case, the team understands that it is better to rely on teamwork and rely on each other when it comes to difficult and incomprehensible tasks.

2. Serve others

The best leader is the one that is not even known to exist. And when his work is done, the goal is achieved, people say: "We did it!"

Lao Tzu

Humble leaders inspire others to achieve.

The term servant leader was coined by Robert K. Greenleaf in his essay Leader as Servant. It all starts with a person's desire to serve, to serve in the first place. Then a conscious choice leads him to the desire to lead. Such a person is strikingly different from anyone who strives for power for the sake of power itself or for the sake of material well-being.

3. Report mistakes

It is not enough to openly admit your mistakes. You need to learn from them and share the experience gained.

Talking about your vulnerabilities is always difficult, but it opens up exciting discussions and leads to significant change. And people are more drawn to the same imperfect as they are, and not to ideal robots.

4. Look for other points of view

A key way to cultivate humility is to associate with people whose views differ from yours.

Before making any decision, I stop. Then I talk to people who will be affected by future changes. I try to tell them as much as possible about the problem without offering a way out. In the end, someone might find a better solution than me. And our transformations take into account more factors.

Joel Gascoigne Founder of Buffer

5. Reconsider your point of view

Jim Collins, in Good to Great, mentions two attributes of a humble leader:

1. Directs ambition to the company, not to himself, appoints successors who can multiply the success in the future.
2. Looks out the window, not the mirror. In other words, it distributes benefits in such a way as to lead to the development of the company.

When the ego gets in the way, try changing your attitude. Remind yourself that you are working in the best interests of the organization, the team, the common benefit, and not just yourself.

Is overconfidence so bad

We said that overconfidence translates into arrogance. But is this always the case? Research shows no.

Cameron Anderson, a psychologist at the University of California, concluded that confident students (even if their confidence was not reinforced by achievement) achieved higher social status, respect, influence, recognition. They may not have been the best students, but they were the most popular among their peers.

Their self-confidence didn’t irritate those around them because they weren’t pretending.

What does it mean? If you try to be humble, then no amount of confidence, even the most, will hurt you.

For example, successful entrepreneurs often become overconfident about several things:

1. Its ability to prevent bad results.
2. Business prospects.
3. Life expectancy.

And these are the reasons why they move forward, despite the overwhelming difficulties.

An entrepreneur needs an unrealistic level of confidence, or you'll never start. Starting a business is incredibly difficult, even excruciating. It takes an abyss of self-confidence and self-confidence to overcome all obstacles.

David S. Rose businessman

The relationship of humility and confidence is complex and interesting. These are two sides of the same coin. How are you doing with them?