“You don’t work!”: What is housewife syndrome and how to cope with it

What is the first image that comes to mind when thinking about a housewife? Chances are, you imagine a woman in a beautiful dress and full make-up flutters around the kitchen. Advertisers and propagandists have been creating this picture for more than one year - through their efforts, household chores are perceived as an easy entertainment and a dream of any girl, and a housewife is like a happy bum.

But the reality is very different from this fiction. Women who are completely dedicated to the home often feel unhappy and even suffer from mental disorders. Let's figure out why this is happening.

What is Housewife Syndrome

The term was first used in her book The Mystery of Femininity by the American writer, researcher and activist Betty Friedan. It was in 1963, and by that time American politicians, journalists and marketers had been replicating the image of an ideal family for many years, in which a man builds a career and earns money, and a woman flies around the house in a fluffy dress and brings up obedient smiling kids.

But the reality turned out to be not so rosy.

For some reason, “happy” housewives began to turn to doctors with complaints of excessive fatigue, headaches, depression, and even suicidal thoughts. At first, no one took their words seriously, and the cause of all the problems was the suffrage, incompetent appliance repairmen or the teachers' association.

But women spoke louder and louder: Family magazine Redbook created Why Young Mothers Feel Trapped, where readers could submit their stories, and received over 20,000 responses. Later, a book was even published based on these letters.

The condition, from which the housewives suffered, has not received an official name, it is not included in medical or psychological reference books. But doctors and the public still had to admit: people who are completely dedicated to household chores and parenting have a difficult time. And that's why:

They are more likely to suffer from depression, anxiety and anxiety disorder, according to a survey of 60,000 mothers, some of whom work, while others stay at home with their children.
They are more likely to have eating disorders.
Sometimes these women even suffer from agoraphobia and are afraid to leave the house.
In addition, according to some experts, it is the share of "domestic wives" that accounts for 80% of antidepressants consumed by women.

In addition, signs of housewife syndrome can be considered:

apathy;
longing;
feeling of uselessness;
excess weight;
anhedonia - a decrease in the ability to have pleasure;
severe tiredness;
suicidal thoughts.

Basically, all these problems concern women. According to statistics, there are 3.6 million housewives in Russia and only 300,000 male householders. And although a lot of time has passed since the 60s, and the political and social course of our country is quite different from the American one, the problem remains relevant for any society.

Why Housewife Syndrome Occurs

Pointless and unpaid work

Not so long ago, our officials suggested charging housewives with a minimum wage and introducing seniority for them. But until this happens, such work remains hard, unpaid and completely ungrateful. A working person receives money as a reward for his work, and if he copes well with his duties, he also receives praise from his superiors and promotion.

Housewives most often do not receive either material reward or gratitude.

At the same time, in most Russian families, absolutely all household duties fall on women. And even with the advent of washing machines (which still don’t sort or hang laundry), multicooker (they don’t buy food, don’t peel vegetables, and don’t cut meat), dishwashers and robotic vacuum cleaners (not all families can afford them), housework takes a lot of time and effort.

In addition, it never ends, which means it does not bring satisfaction. Housewives wash dishes and floors, dust and tidy up the shelves only to repeat it all over again in a day, two, or a week. And so on in a circle, year after year. This can demoralize a person and deprive him of his desire to live.

Unfulfillment

Surely there are people who consider it their mission to take care of home, family and children. The work of a housewife, quite possibly, brings them joy and satisfies their need for self-actualization.

But this does not apply to those with ambitions outside of home and family. Spending time on cooking and cleaning, such people do not have time to devote time to what is important to them - work, hobbies, creativity, travel, and so on. Of course, this knocks the ground out from under his feet, pulls the person into a funnel of exhaustion and leads to apathy, depression and suicidal thoughts.

Dismissive attitude of others

If you look at how the media, marketers and screenwriters present the image of a housewife, you might get the impression that this is either a cheerful fairy, or a stupid parasite with a bad temper who watches serials all day, like Dasha Bukina from Happy Together.

It's no surprise that housewives are scorned by society.

What they do is not considered real work, and such women can easily hear something like, “What are you doing? Just think, you sit at home all day! Of course, this does not add positive to the housewives and makes them feel worthless. True, there are positive shifts in this area. Recently, many bloggers and communities have appeared who talk about the severity of housework and motherhood and demonstrate the real life of housewives without embellishment.

Invisible labor

In addition to cleaning, shopping, caring for children, housewives and householders also have responsibilities that no one notices. They are called so - "invisible work". It's a lot of small tasks that add up to tedious work - booking tickets, making a shopping list, planning a family vacation, making sure that the child always has clothes according to size and season, and so on.

All these managerial and supportive functions are taken for granted - is it difficult to call a doctor or buy overalls for a child online? - but it takes a lot of time and emotional energy. Because a person is forced to keep in mind a thousand such little things all the time and cannot relax - otherwise the children will be left without gifts and vaccinations, and the whole family - without rest and lunch.

Among other things, it is housewives (and women in general) who most often fall on "emotional service", that is, the obligation to calm down crying, support the upset and generally keep face and create good weather in the house. And this is also a load, and a considerable one.

What to do if you feel bad as a housewife

It is important to understand here: is this role suitable for you in principle? Maybe it seems to you that taking care of the house and children is your calling, and in general you are comfortable in the status of a housewife, but sometimes melancholy and apathy rolls over you. Then it is worth considering how to diversify your daily routine tasks and what activities can cheer you up and inspire you. These can be hobbies and hobbies, additional education, or even part-time work.

By making time for yourself and your interests, you will not fall into the funnel of exhaustion and can prevent burnout.

This is exactly what the anthropologist Tess Struve suggests, who gave up her career to raise her daughter and formulated principles for millennial housewives. Its main idea is not to strive for the ideal and just combine household chores and hobbies or work in a comfortable mode.

It also happens that the transition to the status of a housewife was a forced or not very conscious step. For example, a child was not provided with a place in a kindergarten on time. Or the woman heard a lot of Vedic gurus who said that her real destiny is in motherhood and housework. Or she was simply tired of carrying on herself both work and household chores and thought that it would be easier this way.

But in the process, it turned out that the role of a housewife does not suit her at all, that she wants to build a career, and washing, cooking and taking children to circles make her unhappy. In such a situation, the solution is obvious: return to work whenever possible. And at the same time, negotiate with your partner an adequate division of household duties or search for domestic helpers.