8 encouraging phrases for those who have failed

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

An excerpt from Robert Leahy's The Nerve Cure will help turn failure into a new opportunity.

1. I can learn from my failure

Imagine this: you focused on making a profit, and after a year you lost all your money. Isn't that a failure?

In the business world, there is a story, perhaps a fictional one, about a young executive to whom the president of the company handed over the project. A year later, the project was curtailed, although millions were spent on it. The president summoned the young leader to his place.

He was worried: “Am I going to lose my job? I have failed in this responsible business. The boss will think I'm a loser. " However, the president said, “Mark, I have a new project for you. In fact, it is even more solid than the previous one."

Mark breathed a sigh of relief, but was a little embarrassed and replied to the president, “I am very pleased to receive this new project. But honestly, I expected you to fire me after I failed on the last project. " - “Fire you? Damn, I won't kill you after I spent those millions on your training!"

The chief was most interested in training. What did Bill learn? How will he be able to apply the acquired knowledge in a new project?

Watch the girl put together a puzzle. She tries to put together pieces that do not fit together. Is she failing or learning? While solving the crossword puzzle, you find that the word you wrote does not fit. Have you failed or learned something? What have you learned and how can you use it now?

Failure has the connotation of finality: “It's over. You have failed. But learning brings perspective and empowerment.

There is an even more effective way to use "failure": learn from other people's failures. When businesspeople consider a marketing plan, the first thing they do is look at what strategies someone succeeded in and how someone failed.

A friend of mine was planning to open his own private practice. He spoke to both very successful practitioners and not very successful ones. He wanted to know what worked and what didn't.

Failure is information. A failing behavior model gives you more information than before about what you can do and what not to do if you want to achieve a specific goal.

Children and adults who show tenacity use failure as a learning experience to advance toward potentially more effective behaviors.

But we are often ashamed of our failures and do not want to consider them again. We reduce failure to a dark event containing nothing of value. I would prefer that as you study your failures, you ask yourself what important lessons can be learned from them.

2. My failure can challenge me

Another way to respond to disappointment is to view it as a challenge. Carol Dweck, who studies child motivation, tapes what toddlers tell themselves when they fail.

She studied two different groups: children who give up when they fail (helpless), and children who stay with their opinions or correct them when they fail (stubborn).

The helpless say, “I can't do this thing. I can't do anything at all. I can give up. " On the other hand, the stubborn say, “Wow, this is great. I love challenges! " When children see failure as a challenge, they activate and try harder. They reflect on their "failure" in terms of what they can learn.

Like children who face failure, you can choose how to respond to failure: give up what you think is too difficult, find the motivation to try harder.

Psychologists refer to competence motivation or performance motivation to indicate how often overcoming obstacles that slow down a task further motivates us.

Persistence in solving a specific problem can increase our ability to cope with other challenges. This phenomenon is known as learned industriousness.

According to Eisenberger's theory, people differ in how they make the effort, trying to resist failure, and use self-discipline (instead of focusing only on the immediate benefit). If your actions are backed up only by results (success or failure), then failure can knock you down.

In comparison, if you are guided by the process itself, then show incredible tenacity even in the face of failure. Research by psychologists Quinn, Brandon, and Copeland has shown that people with a higher degree of learned hard work are less likely to resort to smoking or substance abuse to cope with frustration.

Failure experiences are an opportunity to feel challenged and develop a learned industriousness - the ability you need to overcome the setbacks and disappointments that are inevitable in life.

3. It was not important to success

When you worry, you look narrowly at the situation, you focus on one goal, excluding all others, and, naturally, you consider this goal of yours important. I believe that nature is wise: what is really necessary cannot be canceled at your will or will.

Blood must circulate through the body, a person needs to breathe and digest food. If you don't, you will die. This is so important that you do it automatically.

Getting good grades, making a lot, or meeting the man or woman of your dreams right now is not a vital necessity.

Wally is worried that he could be fired at any moment. We studied his situation, and it turned out that there is a certain probability of such an outcome. I told him a story I had heard from psychiatrist Isaac Marx about a patient who was constantly worried about contracting a sexually transmitted disease.

After many months of therapy (which did not affect the patient's obsessions in any way), he actually contracted syphilis. To his surprise, he was relieved to learn that the disease was treatable and took part in group therapy for people with sexually transmitted diseases.

Wally and I explored the opportunities that would be available to him after he quit, such as private consulting. The next week Wally called me, “Bob, guess what? I have syphilis! " I asked him what he meant. “This is very similar to what you said: I was fired and I decided to start my own consulting. I used some contacts and got clients. A huge stone fell from my shoulders. " Working for a particular company turned out to be not vital at all.

Almost every goal that you have tried to achieve, or even achieved, is not a vital necessity.

If so, you don't have to suffer that much. Entering a certain school, passing a specific exam, having an affair with this woman or this man, showing up at a meeting on time, being able to look your best - these are the goals that you considered necessary at different points in your life. Now you may be asking yourself, "How different would my life be if I had not achieved some of them?"

4. There are some patterns of behavior that did not work out

Without reaching the goal, you can conclude that all your actions in this situation were unsuccessful. Does this make sense? Imagine that you worked for a whole year and were fired. Would you come to the conclusion that everything you did in the service was a complete failure?

Steve worked for a rather dubious company for about a year when the firm's financial problems led to his firing. He began to criticize himself and plunged into depression, labeling himself as a failure. I asked him to write a detailed job description for the previous year and then rate everything he did at work on a scale of 1 to 5.

After examining the evidence, he realized that he was very successful in almost every aspect of his business. We examined in detail what new skills, knowledge and contacts he acquired. As a result, Steve realized that he was now much more experienced than he was a year earlier.

I assumed that he received an excellent education and gained some benefit in the form of a salary. Steve loved this idea. A month later, he went for an interview, where he was offered a position to which he agreed. Previous experience proved to be an important criterion for a new employer.

We often believe that if we do not achieve the goal, none of our efforts will pay off and all the work invested will be a waste of time.

For example, you may be worried that your relationship won't last forever - and it probably will. But was all that happened to you a waste of time if your relationship ended? Between 50 and 70% of marriages end in divorce. To think that a relationship that didn't last forever was a failure would mean that almost everyone around you is a failure.

Perceiving an all-or-nothing relationship is completely illogical: there were many pleasant and meaningful moments in them, even if they ended.

The end results can be mixed. But looking at life solely from the point of view of assessment (and only the ideal) can lead to the fact that you begin to underestimate your own experience.

If you follow this logic, anything that doesn't last until your last day is a waste of time.

5. Something goes wrong for everyone

One of the consequences of failure is feeling lonely in distress. It begins to seem to you that only you are unlucky in life. Failure becomes something personal, and not inherent in people in general. You may decide that your failure is unique, that you are qualitatively different from others for the worse, feel like a kind of hole in humanity, which, of course, consists of people who are incredibly successful in any business.

Sharon felt devastated by her recent failure at work. She was ashamed that others would find out about her failure and would not want to deal with her. I asked her to list five people she knew well and admired. Then I asked her to tell me if any of them had any problems or failures. I portrayed one of her friends who failed in everything, and during the role play asked her to talk to me about my feelings about this.

After role-playing, Sharon said that when people shared unpleasant experiences with her, she began to respect them more and felt closer to them. This proved two things to her:

1. Everyone fails, even the people she admires.
2. Telling a good friend about your failure can help you bond (in fact, it’s the story of success that can alienate some people).

When Fred was in college, he got a C in economics. In this work, a private 24/7 mailing service was proposed that would rival the post office. The professor thought it was unrealistic and stupid. Two years after graduating from college, Fred Smith founded Federal Express.

Henry Ford's first company went bankrupt, and the founders of Standard Oil searched for oil in vain for years until they finally found it.

Successful people build their success on their own failures. Everyone falls when they learn to walk, everyone loses at tennis, every stock investor lost money - the more wins, the more losses.

Our culture places too much emphasis on success and not enough emphasis on endurance, perseverance, resilience, and humility.

Failure is normal. It's part of a relationship, work, sports, investing, or even caring for someone.

If we can prove to ourselves that failure is the norm, that experience comes with it, we will be less worried and will see it as part of the life process, the payment for being involved in events.

6. Perhaps no one noticed

We often worry that everyone notices our failures, discusses them, remembers and constantly condemns us. Think how egocentric fantasy this is. Do other people have nothing else to do but sit and discuss our problems?

We are afraid that our failure will seem so terrible to other people that they will start thinking about it.

I went to a psychological conference with my graduate students, and we gave presentations. There were probably a hundred people in the audience. Teri, who gave her first talk, told me that she was worried that everyone in the audience would notice how nervous she was.

She was worried that someone would ask a question that she could not answer, and she would look like a fool. I asked her how anyone would be able to notice that she was worried, what exactly would he see or hear? She feared that her voice would give her away or that the audience would notice her hands shaking.

I asked Teri how many speakers she had heard at the conference. There were about 15 of them. And what did she remember about their concern? Nothing. Interestingly, no one noticed that most of the presenters were worried, although that would be fair.

Maybe people don't notice - or don't remember - mistakes, problems, or failures.

Or let's take Don as an example, a TV presenter who was sure that people saw how nervous and wrong he was on the air. I asked him how the viewer could identify his anxiety. He realized that his judgments are based on his own subjective experiences. He felt anxious and, of course, always knew about his own anxiety. Consequently, I came to the conclusion that all viewers have the same information at their disposal.

He suffered from a disorder called the illusion of transparency and thought that anyone could determine his condition. I asked Don to look at the tapes of his participation and determine if he could tell when he felt anxiety and what signs of anxiety were noticeable. He was unable to notice anything, especially on the small TV screen.

7. Failure means I tried. Don't try worse

We have already discussed the idea of learned industriousness, that is, pride in the efforts made to achieve a goal. People with a learned hard work are not just results-oriented and less likely to divide experience into success and failure. They are less depressed, less anxious, and less likely to rely on various substances (such as alcohol and drugs) to cope with their emotions.

Carol complained of lack of enjoyment in life, depression and hopelessness. I asked her to keep track of what she was doing every hour of the week, and to rate any activity in terms of pleasure and skill (how effective or competent she was).

When she showed her schedule of activities, we noticed that she was thinking about her depression almost all the time. She felt better when she talked to her husband or friends, but she spent much less time with them since she plunged into depression.

I suggested that she do more joint business with other people and some independent interests. She was fond of photography, so she started taking photographs. At first, she didn't think her work would be good (a fairly typical negative filter for a depressed person).

But just trying to do something, putting in some effort, she already felt a little better. She said, "You know, the very feeling that I tried is a relief." I explained my rule of thumb:

The environment is a natural reinforcement for positive behavior.

In other words, there were people and activities around Carol that could support her efforts. The more Carol tried, the better she felt. It also strengthened her control over her own mood, as it became clear to her that her mood depended on the behaviors she was using.

Eventually her depression disappeared. Carol went from evaluating the result to a learned industriousness - the ability to see the pride in the effort itself.

8. I'm just getting started

Let's say you are 33 years old. I ask you to look back at all the complex skills that you have acquired in life. It could be related to sports, learning a language, or mastering something new. Have you encountered any "setbacks" and "disappointments" along the way?

Many times you must have felt frustrated and even ready to give up, but you still persisted. It may seem to you that if something is not working out now, then it is over. I see it as "you just got started."

When I was in college, my friend Larry and I went to the gym to lose weight. Every week another young man in poor physical condition came to the gym. Throughout the workout, he lifted huge weights to the limit of his capabilities. I told Larry, “Well, we won't see him again. He will return home in such terrible pain that he will never want to come here again. It was possible to place bets.

The activities of these athletes remained within the framework of the New Year's promise: “This year I am going to get in shape and will start doing it right now. I'll do it properly. Like all New Year's promises, this will turn out to be a failure.

The reason is that the best way to establish a new pattern of behavior is to shape it in the process, gradually increasing the frequency and intensity of certain actions.

If you want to jog, you should probably start by walking briskly for 5 minutes, then gradually pick up your pace and jog over the next couple of months. You need to get your body or behavior in shape. By starting with heavy workloads right away, you can create the one-day illusion that you are determined about your new program. But this is practically a guarantee that you will abandon it in the near future.

Only consistency leads to success.

Look at your behavior as part of a long process of evolution, self-modification, change. If you expected immediate results but are not getting them, you can tell yourself that you have just started. You still have something to count on.

Robert Leahy's book will help curb anxiety and shift the focus from failure to opportunity.