How to get your way without manipulation and coercion

It happens that the interlocutors do not hear us, refuse to fulfill requests or wishes, and sometimes even take everything that has been said with hostility. This may mean that we use ineffective communication techniques, there is a lot of manipulation, coercion and other forms of verbal violence in our speech.

The approach that is called this approach helps to correct the situation: non-violent (or environmentally friendly) communication.

What is Nonviolent Communication

It is a kind of system that the American psychologist Marshall Rosenberg invented and described in his book The Language of Life in the 1960s. Nonviolent communication (NVC) helps you communicate your thoughts to the other person and get what you need without pressure.

An example of violent communication: “You don't watch your children at all! They run around the apartment and interfere with my work. Stop this mess!"

An example of nonviolent communication: “I work from home, and I really need at least relative silence, otherwise I cannot concentrate. I understand that children can be very noisy and active, and sometimes it is very difficult to calm them down. But please ask them to be quiet. Thanks.

Rosenberg believes that nonviolent communication can be practiced with anyone: partners, children, colleagues, friends, parents, neighbors.

This approach has proven to be very effective - it allows you to develop empathy, avoid conflicts or extinguish them before they escalate into something serious. Trainings on NGOs are carried out in various companies, as well as, for example, for the prevention of domestic violence and relapse prevention in criminals.

The main components of nonviolent communication

1. Non-judgmental observation

This means that it is worth following the words and behavior of the interlocutor and, instead of labeling him, focus on the facts. You need to try to understand what feelings and needs are behind all this.

Compare:

"He's lazy and doesn't want to learn at all!"
“He doesn’t prepare for seminars and doesn’t pass tests the first time. Perhaps he is not interested in the specialty that he is receiving. Or there are serious difficulties in understanding the material."

2. Definition of emotion

At this step, you need to look inside yourself, analyze how you feel, and tell your interlocutor about it:

I get angry and offended when you throw things around

3. Determination of the need

Here you need to understand and formulate what you need:

“I am terribly angry that my family does not clean up after themselves. I really want them to appreciate my work and show that they notice my efforts."

4. Request

When the need is identified, it is worth expressing it in a respectful, non-accusatory manner and suggesting a way out of the situation:

“I spend a lot of time and energy on cleaning, and I would like you to keep the house in order. Let's come up with some cleanliness rules that everyone will try to follow."

How to practice nonviolent communication

Here are a few tricks to help you build adequate, friendly communication and get your way.

1. Speak "I-messages"

When we say: "You always sit with a prefix" or "You're late again!" - we blame the interlocutor. And no one likes to feel guilty. In response to this, a person may begin to defend himself, snap back, show aggression. The affair will end with quarrels and resentments, and you will not get what you want. Therefore, it is important to talk about yourself and your feelings, and not about another person, and start a sentence not with “you” or “you”, but with “I” or “me”. For example:

“I get upset if you play a lot. I miss you".
“I get very angry when someone is late. I do not like it when plans go astray."

2. Try to do without evaluation

Non-judgmental observation is one of the basic principles of NGOs. Assessment is a product of our emotions, cognitive distortions and negative experiences; it cannot be objective and does not help in communication.

You should not start communication from such positions:

"Our neighbors are inadequate cattle who respect no one and listen to music at 1 am."
“My child is a spoiled, out-of-hand lazy person. He doesn’t give me a penny, he doesn’t want to study and help around the house”.

The essence of NVC is to at least partially understand the motives and needs of a person. For example, a naughty child may be attracting attention in this way or getting angry at something. And the neighbor wants to rest after a working day and does not understand what is interfering with sleeping in the entire entrance. If you start from this, the likelihood of reaching a compromise will be higher.

3. Avoid the imperative mood

“Wash the dishes”, “call the customer”, “turn off the music” - these phrases sound like orders. And people don't like being ordered. Because of this, they can go into resistance: they will become stubborn, refuse to fulfill requests, respond with rudeness. It is better to use softer, diplomatic and respectful constructions, not to command, but to ask or offer. For example:

"Will you be able to call the client today and clarify this issue?"
"Come on, you quickly wash the dishes, and then we'll watch the series!"
"Please turn down the music."

4. Don't give unsolicited advice

They can transcend personal boundaries and take the form of psychological abuse. Therefore, it is better to wait until a person asks for something to advise him, and only then express his thoughts. And without towering over the interlocutor and without trying to crush him with your experience.

If you think that a person needs advice, and it will definitely make his life better or help in a difficult situation, try first to find out how appropriate it is to advise something now. For example:

I had a similar situation. If you want, I can tell you somehow what I did

5. Be careful with criticism

Perhaps the interlocutor is not in the mood to listen to her now or does not need her at all. Attempts to point out to him that he does not live correctly, does not look like that and does the wrong thing, will simply make him angry or upset.

Sometimes criticism is indispensable (for example, if you work together). In this case, it is better to express it in the form of feedback. That is, talk about what you like in a person's actions, then politely show him what can be corrected, and offer a couple of ideas on how to do it.

6. Learn to talk about your emotions

Sometimes all difficulties in communication arise due to the fact that we cannot understand our feelings and correctly name them. Instead of shouting: "Everything pisses me off!" - one could say: "I am upset because you …". The second statement is not aggressive, and it helps the interlocutor to understand you better.

The main emotions are shown in the Robert Plutchik wheel. Once you are well-versed in this spectrum, it may be worth looking and learning to name additional shades. They can be found, for example, in linguistic and psychological dictionaries.

7. Express sympathy

A person will be much more loyal if he sees that you are on his side, understand and share his emotions and do not consider him bad. And it will not be superfluous to praise the interlocutor for good deeds. For example:

“You seem to be nervous at work. Do you play console to relieve stress?"
“I really like the way you work. What if we discuss how else we can improve the performance?"

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